Saturday, June 21, 2014

A Message in the Roses by Sandy Semerad, excerpt

A Message in the Roses is now with the editors. So this excerpt is pre-edit. I keep fooling around with the beginning of the book where Carrie Sue is in the present. Please put me out of my editing obsession.

I thought I needed to add a small section/intro explaining why in 1986 she didn't have a cell phone. Some young readers might wonder about this.


What do you think?


 Chapter One 

 A snow storm had knocked out Carrie Sue’s power, landline and Internet. Before the outage, Atlanta media warned everyone to stay off the roads. 

She sighed in awe when she saw her backyard. It looked like a winter wonderland, but not so pretty when she walked out to gather kindling. 

Her feet slipped on ice. She fell hard on her butt. Hail the size of golf balls pounded her body. The wind howled, as if protesting the assault. It took her awhile to gain her balance and carry the logs inside, but as she fed the fire, she began to relax and reminisce.

Her mind traveled back thirty years. She saw herself as a young newspaper reporter, passionate and reckless. She'd written down most of the racy details in her journal and had recently found it in the cedar chest, beneath her old wedding dress. 

She caressed the lovely, leather bound book like a comforting friend. No cell phones or social media back then. 

Carrie Sue couldn’t imagine living without a cell phone now. She’d even succumbed to Facebook, though she’d never shared her spicy memoire. Maybe it was time to finally let go. 

 Journal of Carrie Sue Justice
 December 8, 1986

 My stomach knotted when I saw the strange car in my driveway and damn it, my key wouldn’t open my front door. Deadbolt was locked.

The door vibrated from the blaring stereo inside, as if my house had become possessed. I couldn’t imagine my husband blasting music. He’d always complained about loud noise in the morning, and when I left an hour ago, he looked dead asleep.

As the Eagles belted out Heartache Tonight, I punched the doorbell nonstop with no response. By now snow clouds had buried the sun.

Dad used to say, “Always trust your gut.” My gut screamed disaster, reminding me of the day I received the tragic news about Mom and Dad. They died in a plane crash on their way from Atlanta to Ethiopia.

 I shook off that sad memory and focused on trying to get in the house. Kyle didn’t expect me home. He thought I was interviewing Police Chief Barnum about the recent shooting death in our community.

 As a news reporter, my job was to find out what happened. Why did police arrest four black teens for killing a white teen? Were their arrests racially motivated? Barnum had promised to give me the full scoop.

Unfortunately, my car broke down.

Tyrone, with Ty’s Wrecker and Repair, kindly offered to take me to my appointment in his tow truck, but I had him drop me off at my house so I could drive Mom’s old Cadillac to my meeting. I can’t stand to be without wheels. My downfall.

 I couldn’t back the Caddy out of the garage, because Kyle had parked his car behind it. The other car, a red Thunderbird, had parked beside his Alfa Romeo. How inconsiderate to block the driveway like this.

I wanted to protest his rudeness, but first I needed to get inside. I zipped up my leather jacket against the icy wind and inspected the unfamiliar Thunderbird. Had a Georgia tag with the letters “Hotstuf,” and a graduation tassel hanging from the rear view mirror.

I peered through the T-Bird’s window and saw papers and spiral notebooks scattered everywhere along with crumpled up paper bags and a pizza box. I pulled at the door handles. Locked.

Who was visiting my husband? And why was he up this early, blasting the roof off? He’d worked late last night, which suited his nocturnal clock.

I’m usually up and out with the chickens. This morning I’d left the house before seven, in plenty of time to stop by the newspaper office before driving to my interview with Barnum. If my car hadn’t died, I would have arrived early.

I stomped my feet like a toddler. The tantrum and fierce wind dislodged my hair from its bun. Unruly strands whipped my face as I pounded on the front door and rang the bell.

 Kyle had some nerve, locking me out. This house has been in my family forever. I’ve lived here most of my twenty-five years. My closest neighbor and buddy, Freemont, said my home reminded him of Tara in Gone with the Wind, with its white pillars and large veranda.

After I lost Mom and Dad, the so-called “classic antebellum” house I inherited became more of a burden than a home. I’d gladly trade this old relic and all my possessions if only I could turn back the clock and stop my parents from boarding that deadly flight.

I probably wouldn’t have married Kyle if they’d been alive to advise me against it. Sadly, they weren’t, and I fell in lust too quickly.

 Knowing Dad, he would have broken down the door, but Mom would say, “Be patient. Patience is a virtue.”

 “Give me patience,” I whispered as I followed the veranda to the back porch. I thought I could get in this way, but when I arrived at the porch, the door wouldn’t budge. The slide lock was engaged.

Burning with rage, I ran back to the front of the house and rang the doorbell again. I could barely hear the chimes above the blaring stereo of Bruce Springsteen singing I’m on Fire.

I screamed like an angry banshee or what I thought an angry banshee might sound like. My hollering should have alerted him or someone. I yelled loud enough to be heard from miles away.

After a while, I gave my burning lungs a rest and glanced at my wristwatch. He’d given me this watch to celebrate our one-year wedding anniversary. I found out he’d charged it on his American Express card and couldn’t afford to pay the bill. He had the nerve to ask me to pay it. For crying out loud, what kind of man surprises his wife with a gift she didn’t ask for, and then asks her to pay for it? I’m glad I had sense enough to keep our bank accounts separate or else he would have bled me dry.

My expensive timepiece showed eight thirty. I needed to call Barnum to reschedule pronto. At least the loud music had finally stopped.

I pushed on the doorbell again. The chimes echoed loudly. I waited and waited. No Kyle.

I knelt down to pick up the stone planter from the veranda. A pang of guilt warned me against what I felt compelled to do. Mom loved these windows. She called them “sentinels.” They’re nearly as old as the house.

 I gripped the giant vase in both hands, bent my knees for leverage and drew back the urn. Then the front door creaked open.

My husband’s handsome face appeared, looking like Hamlet seeing his father’s ghost. Kyle had played Hamlet a number of times for the Shakespeare Festival. His wavy hair, the color of a copper penny, was mussed. His two-day stubble gave him a rugged bad-boy look. He had on a beige long-sleeved tee-shirt, open in the front to show a wisp of his chest hair. His snug corduroy jeans displayed his abundant manhood. His brown eyes glared at me like I was crazy Ophelia.

He stepped outside and grabbed the planter out of my arms. “What’s wrong, love?” His mouth looked puffy, and he seemed to be exaggerating his Irish brogue, the one he used to charm my pants off. He wrapped his arms around me as if he thought I needed a strait jacket.

 I shoved him away and walked inside to see what he was hiding. Lo and behold, I ran smack dab into a young woman about six feet tall, voluptuous with large breasts and hips. I’m her opposite, blonde, five-seven and skinny. Mom used to say I looked like a popular model, the one with the gap between her front teeth like mine, but of course, my mom would say that.

Kyle’s lady friend tossed back her silky long hair, the color of last night’s sunset—reddish orange. She looked me up and down.

 My messy hair was frightful, but the rest of me appeared decent. I’d worn my favorite black dress, leather jacket and heels.

Kyle’s paramour had on tight blue jeans and a velour sweater that matched her hair. Her sweater was wrong side out, as if she’d dressed in a hurry in the dark. She glanced at the tiny watch on her wrist. “Oh, no, I’m late for work.”

“Who are you?” I spouted.

Rather than answer and explain why she was in my house with my husband, she turned toward Kyle. He answered for her. “Carrie Sue, this is Maryann Nielson. She’s Blanche in Streetcar. We’ve been going over her lines.”

I bit my tongue and considered Kyle’s explanation. He directs plays for Stage Atlanta at night. In the afternoons he teaches two college classes with ample time to coach actors at the college or at the theatre. I saw no legitimate reason for him to invite this woman to our home.

Maryann’s lips twitched nervously. “Hi,” she said. Her green eyes ping ponged from me to Kyle. “Thanks, Kyle. See you later.” With that, she rushed out the door as if escaping a burning building, jumped into her red Thunderbird and sped down the long circular driveway like a racecar driver.

I glared at him. “You and Maryann have been screwing around, haven’t you?”

Kyle gave me a stern stare. “No, absolutely not, Carrie Sue. Maryann called this morning and asked me to help her get into character. You know how it is, opening night jitters. She’s nervous, unsure of herself.” I gasped in disgust.

“You think I’m stupid enough to believe you were rehearsing with the stereo blaring the way it was?” I slammed my hands on my hips to keep from slapping him.

 He rolled his eyes. “I turned on the stereo to try to wake up. And when Maryann arrived, I thought it’d be more appropriate to rehearse on the back porch.” He stepped closer as if he thought he could charm me. “And I forgot to turn the music off, love. I’m sorry.”

I slapped his chest, pushing him away. “Don’t give me that crap. You weren’t on the porch. I walked back there trying to get in the house after I discovered my key wouldn’t open the front door because you’d engaged the deadbolt to lock me out.”

Rather than argue, he strolled outside like a tom cat on the prowl and looked around. After a moment, he wandered back in. “Where’s your little car?”

“That’s none of your concern.”

 He frowned. “Did it break down?” Seething with anger, I refused to answer.

“If your car broke down, why didn’t you call me?” “Get real. You wouldn’t have heard the phone above the blaring music. Plus you were preoccupied with Maryann.”

 He grabbed my arms. “Stop it, Carrie Sue. I love you. Don’t you know that?”

 “Get your hands off me.” I pushed him backwards.

“You’re overreacting.” Tears welled in his deceitful eyes.

I turned away, determined not to let this Shakespearian Iago deceive me again. He might be a great actor, but he didn’t have a sincere fiber in his body, I told myself.

He grabbed my waist and pulled my butt against his sex. “I think I know what you need, baby.”

I poked him as hard as I could with my elbows. “Get out of my house,” I shouted.

His arms tightened around my waist. “You don’t mean that.”

I elbowed him again and stepped toward the antique hunt board. Dad used to keep his snub nose pistol in the top drawer. It was the same type of gun Jack Ruby used to kill Lee Harvey Oswald. I didn’t find the gun but spotted Mom’s stainless steel letter opener. She called this her “paper knife.”

I wrapped my fingers around the handle, not intending to kill him. My main purpose was to get him out of the house and away from me. However, I have to admit, the thought of destroying his manhood crossed my mind.

9 comments:

  1. Hi Sandy,
    I liked it. the only fault I found was in the beginning I was a bit confused as to what era the story was set. I think if you changed the "thirty years ago" and put the actual year in there, rather than later on, that would fix it.

    regards

    Margaret

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, I think you're right I did have the year in there at one point but then took it out. Thanks so much.

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  3. That little fact about the cell phone and social media pulls the reader out of the POV and lets the author step in to explain something. Instead, when reading her journal, have her stop and think about not having a cell or FB. One thing I'm trying to do better is SHOW the reader what's happening, and the scene where you TELL the reader about her finding her journal would be more involving if she drifted up to where her old cedar chest was kept and rifled through it. Show her hesitating with emotion at seeing her old wedding dress, then discovering her beloved journal. Just a thought...I used to edit and it's so much easier to see the obvious in the work of others.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the tips, Ginger, I greatly appreciate all of your suggestions. Love and hugs.

      Delete
  4. I'm with Ginger's comments--and Margaret's. I was having a hard time getting oriented in time. I love the play as a staging ground. Something about theater groups that leads to ... crossing of boundaries, I guess I'll say. :)

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  5. Interesting bit and I agree about the memory part goes on too long unless the story is in the past. Then start there and forget the little opening,

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    Replies
    1. Hi Janet, the story/journal is in the past, 1986, When my daughter read it she said, "Why doesn't she use a cell phone?" And I explained again the date. She said, "Oh, okay, I forget we haven't always had those." Maybe I should forget the opening altogether. Originally I didn't have it. Hugs.

      Delete
  6. Your story sounds intriguing, Sandy, although I agree with the previous comments about "show don't tell." Good luck as you continue to work on it!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Sydell. I do "show" thoughout the story, I thiink, but I added the beginning recently, thinking it would be a good technique to explain to younger readers why Carrie Sue doesn't use cell phone or Internet. I may cut it out altogether, but I thought it added another dimention to the story. It's now in editing. At the end of the book, Carrie Sue stops reading the journal when her daughter visits. I plan for this book to be the first in a series. It's loosely based on a murder trial I covered as a newspaper reporter in Atlanta.

      Delete

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